and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
