i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
