yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize