you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
