all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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