Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
