My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
