We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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