I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
