I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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