My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she peed on how many people?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
