Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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