Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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