So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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