glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
