One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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