it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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