dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Randomize
