i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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