Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize