Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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