I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He had one of those small greek statue penises
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
