my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
