you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
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