Your face is a jimmy john
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize