I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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