shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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