No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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