Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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