went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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