I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
