I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
