my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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