She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
