Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
