I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
