i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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