I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i dont even know how to be here
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
