Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
