every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize