her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
