If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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