direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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