just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Randomize
