I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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