his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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