i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
