Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
