I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
