I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Randomize
