3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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