we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
