Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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