Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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