Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
