One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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