i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
