i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
