There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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