my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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