I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
