get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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