Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
