i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
